Having a serious case of self loathing today. I hate everything that I write and I write things I hate. It is a vicious cycle. I have stopped and restarted the same spot a million times and come up with the same block. I move on and then think I am ready to come back to gaping hole in my story and find out that I am definately NOT ready to do that. There is much to learn and much to do to make myself want to write any further. How do other people get past the wanting to give up? I go through the I'm not good enough and no one wants to read my thoughts anyway. Then, I find out differently and it makes me inspired to try all over again. I just have to find a way to be able to pull myself out of the funk rather than relying on others to do it for me.

I have been consumed with desire to write, but I have been engulfed by my day job. There is so much that seems to be thrown my way that I can't keep up with the day to day aspects of life. My kitchen floor? Yes, it needs to be mopped! The bathroom? Didn't I just bribe my eight year with a five spot? I was hoping she didn't realize I hadn't paid her from my last weak attempt at delegating. The ideas in my head lately have been many. I think i am stressed. They come to me in the wee morning hours on the presipice of wake when all I want to do is keep dreaming. There have been characters that have popped up that I thought I would never think of again. Their faces have been burning in my brain. I need to let them. I need to give them a voice. I need to stop rambling. I need to stop working. I need to stop worrying that things will never be the same. I need to take control of my own life because no one is going to do it for me. I need to find what makes me happy. When was the last time I laughed? When was the last time I had fun just for the sake of it being what I wanted to do? When was the last time I had a day off? Oh yeah, Friday.... but I got the car fixed, the oil changed, the tires rotated, the car washed, a haircut (it had been 11 months), went grocery shopping, finished putting the finishing touches on halloween costumes, and picked my kids up from school on time. I think in all of this I have lost me. So, in celebration of me.... I am putting my book up for free on Amazon this Saturday. You will be able to download it without paying a penny! If you like it, tell a friend they should buy it and then I promise to spend that money doing something fun for me. So maybe I won't have to keep writing these posts that depress even me!