Having a serious case of self loathing today. I hate everything that I write and I write things I hate. It is a vicious cycle. I have stopped and restarted the same spot a million times and come up with the same block. I move on and then think I am ready to come back to gaping hole in my story and find out that I am definately NOT ready to do that. There is much to learn and much to do to make myself want to write any further. How do other people get past the wanting to give up? I go through the I'm not good enough and no one wants to read my thoughts anyway. Then, I find out differently and it makes me inspired to try all over again. I just have to find a way to be able to pull myself out of the funk rather than relying on others to do it for me.

I had the ebook out for free download a few weeks ago and had at least 11 people get a hold of it. I promise that none of these people were friends or family. I honestly haven't even told them it was up because I want my numbers to be authentic. Anyway, after that initial free day I have had some buys. I have to say that it is a welcoming feeling to see that some of your work might start to pay off. I'm not saying I'm going to be a millionaire over night, but perhaps I can supplement and not work all these extra shifts that I have been putting in. If anyone else has had success with their work being picked up after free initial down load dates on KDP Select I would love to hear about your experience! Share it please! I think we can all really help each other out with reviews and comments. I would love to read some work of people trying to get reviewed. I can't promise that it will be done super fast, Christmas break is coming up and I will have a little bit of free time.

Speaking of the impending holidays, my mother was in town to visit this past weekend. We hit some of the stores as is our normal way of spending time together. I couldn't believe how many of the retail giants already had out their decorations. I went to get Starbucks this morning and the lot surrounding the store already had their halls decked. Wow, we are moving into this season full throttle. I even read some ads that Black Friday would start at 8:00 p.m. on Thanksgiving Thursday! I guess we are just being inundated with consumerism. I for one will not be in the malls on Black Friday. I don't think I could hold my temper long enough. I will however be under the open sky, camping in the desert and watching my kids ride their motorcycles while the wind flies through their hair. I will relish the peace and quiet of the open land as I sip my coffee in the morning and get caught up on that book that has been haunting me these past few weeks. I will enjoy my break if it kills me. And, I don't want to hear crap about Christmas until I get back.

I have been consumed with desire to write, but I have been engulfed by my day job. There is so much that seems to be thrown my way that I can't keep up with the day to day aspects of life. My kitchen floor? Yes, it needs to be mopped! The bathroom? Didn't I just bribe my eight year with a five spot? I was hoping she didn't realize I hadn't paid her from my last weak attempt at delegating. The ideas in my head lately have been many. I think i am stressed. They come to me in the wee morning hours on the presipice of wake when all I want to do is keep dreaming. There have been characters that have popped up that I thought I would never think of again. Their faces have been burning in my brain. I need to let them. I need to give them a voice. I need to stop rambling. I need to stop working. I need to stop worrying that things will never be the same. I need to take control of my own life because no one is going to do it for me. I need to find what makes me happy. When was the last time I laughed? When was the last time I had fun just for the sake of it being what I wanted to do? When was the last time I had a day off? Oh yeah, Friday.... but I got the car fixed, the oil changed, the tires rotated, the car washed, a haircut (it had been 11 months), went grocery shopping, finished putting the finishing touches on halloween costumes, and picked my kids up from school on time. I think in all of this I have lost me. So, in celebration of me.... I am putting my book up for free on Amazon this Saturday. You will be able to download it without paying a penny! If you like it, tell a friend they should buy it and then I promise to spend that money doing something fun for me. So maybe I won't have to keep writing these posts that depress even me!

It has been awhile since I have blogged. It is not because I haven 't been busy.... I am happy with the results from You Want to Be being free for download. It had a significant number of downloads (yay!) I have been busy writing and just spending time with  my kids. Isn't that what summer vacation is all about? I will again have it for free download sometime this summer keep your eyes out for it.

On Monday, June 4 2012 you can get a free copy of You Want to Be Me for download on your kindle from Amazon.com. Check it out and leave me a comment or review. I would appreciate it. Just follow the link on the right by clicking the book cover. Nothing is better than free! I will do more promotions in the coming weeks if you miss this one.

Advice Giver

A student has begged me to read his writing and give him honest feedback on what I think. I knew before reading it that it was graphic, horrorific, and that his parents knew he was writing this as fiction. I also want to preface this with saying that I have watch every SAW movie out, so I am not sensitive to gore. However, I was overwhelmed because there was mutilation of babies.... Maybe that is where I draw the line. I gave feedback on the paper and even crossed a section out that even I felt could be literary taboo. I am afraid I might crush this new writer. I never wanted people to read my work because I hated the criticism. I did like some of his sentences. They were eloquent and they were meaningful and his story was wonderful because I could feel the pain that was haunting this student. But how much is too much in literature and where our world has gone today? Are there any subjects that are off limits? Or, have we gotten to the point that every new story has to overtake the last and be more shocking? How much is too much? That is my question and I would love to hear what all you others have to think, especially with the idea of free speech being front and center.

Back to Work

Summer has been over for a few weeks for me now and it is back to work and routine. It is so hard to find time to write between actually being at work, kids being in school, being a mom, being a wife, grading papers, and sleep. Ugh, I saw a preview for that new Sarah Jessica Parker movie I don't know how she does it and I was like, yeah I get her. My head has about a zillion stories floating around and I dream up even more at night, but I can't seem to ever get disciplined enough to sit and put them down on paper. Perhaps that is why it took me years to actually get my first manuscript completed.

I have still been shopping it around, but haven't heard anything but sorry this project doesn't seem right for us at this time. I take it in stride.... I do want to say though, hey why not keep it until it is the right time... they probably wouldn't like that much though. I will continue to shop it up and see what might some day come out of it. When and if it does, it will be a nice surprise I'm sure.

When do any of you other writers seem to find the time? Is it something you have to schedule? Do you just let it happen? Do you run away to a retreat and hope the ideas flow once you are there? Any ideas at this point would be helpful.